Whilst contemplating the futility of a particular gardening task recently my mind started wondering about the plants I would never ever plant in my garden.  There were plenty of candidates to add to that list but I thought I should keep it simple and concentrate on my top five. So, here are the five plants I would never plant in my garden and why.

Berberis

Often planted for the amazing leaf colours and standout berries but the reality is these are a terrible menace and should be banished forevermore.  Their thorns can be inches long and slender enough to puncture Kevlar – which makes pruning, trimming and clearing a deeply spiritual, painful and laborious chore.  Got children or pets then be sure to check your insurance, doctors/vets numbers and keep the car fuelled for those inevitable trips (obv. we don’t take the kids to the vets… again).

If you have to… don’t, just don’t – instead try one of these alternatives… Mahonia Soft Caress, Euonymus alatus or Pittosporum (Tom Thumb). All have the leaf interest without the lethality (see what I did!).

Grape Hyacinth

Kinda reminds me of the liquorice all sorts blue thing – look so pretty but behind that sweetie mask is a devil of a plant that will spread far and wide.  It has this uncanny knack of secreting itself into the most inaccessible nooks and crannies from which it can never ever be prised out of. If the tiny bulbs don’t finish you off the seeds that can spread for miles will. 

If you have to… put it in pot or basket if you will but keep it in a garden three counties away from me thank you.

Mint

Planting Mint in a garden should be made a criminal offence. By the time you are picking those lovely leaves for your cooling Mojito its runners have, just below ground level and so out of sight, colonised the entire garden and probably next door as well.  The pencil thickness roots that set up shop as they go are growing faster than you can pull the blighters out.  When you come to sell the house, your buyers will (rightly) be cursing you forever more.

If you have to… sink a deep (at least 30cm) open bottomed tub and plant your mint on that. Every couple of years lift it, remove 2/3 and plant it back in the middle.  Bit more watering needed but better that than spending the rest of your days sobbing into your trowel.

Japanese Anemone

You can’t judge a book by it’s cover is the saying, except when it comes to the Japanese Anemone. Those lovely slender stems with such lovely pink and white flowers and cute button yellow centres are, as the season starts to close, a delight. Below the ground however things are quite different – Anemones are the kings and queens of the “garden hustle” and distraction up top is how they can have free reign to burrow in all directions ready to pop up next season with a cheery “Hello!” to the shriek of anguish from owners and their gardeners.

If you have to… stick to Anemone hupehensis ‘Praecox’ which is a clump forming Anemone and when the clump gets too big just divide and replant. Praecox is also one of the earliest and longest flowering Japanese Anemone.

Forget-me-nots

The clue is in the name – do not let those dainty little blue flowers fool you.  Whilst you are enjoying the dreamy soft-focus vista of an English Cottage Garden these guys are producing seeds like crazy.  Those 2.01459mm seed pods could stick to any Jamie Oliver Tefal pan going and so spread around the garden quicker than you can say… too late!

If you have to… be sure to pull them out from errant areas before they start to fade and set seed. Also learn to recognise the seedlings and be sure to turf them out pronto.

Others that I could have added to the list…

Just a few of the others that were jostling for place on the list.

  • Fleabane – your crazy paving will disappear under a blanket of this stuff. Best for pots and planters. Also learn to recognise the seedlings so you can also turf them out pronto.
  • Spanish Bluebells – Don’t let those nodding heads beguile – the bulbs reproduce faster than rabbits. Keep to the English Bluebells.
  • Physalis (Chinese Lanterns) – Oooh such a pretty shape and look how the seeds appear. Don’t remember planting them there, or there, or there… oh no, what have I done.
  • Holly – I just love how holly leaves can transport themselves all over the garden ready to be grasped by an unwitting bare hand going about some weeding work.
  • Pyracantha – So tempting to have put this in the 5, pretty berries yes but lethal thorns and grows astonishingly quickly making it another spiritual experience when it comes to trimming.
  • Bamboo – Be very very careful before planting a Bamboo in the garden.  Only buy from a garden centre and double-check with the staff that you have chosen a clump forming plant otherwise you and your neighbours are going to have a serious falling out very quickly.